My Cat From Hell

My Cat From Hell is all about this guy, the "Cat Daddy." The show consists of people asking him to come in on account of their crazy cats. Except he's much more of a couple's counselor than a cat whisperer in my opinion, because usually the problem's the owners more than it is the cat.

So, dysfunctional couples, please, take better care of your cats. Play with them. Feed them. Stop declawing them. Let them scratch your furniture and be cats. Stop hitting them with brooms. Buy them awesome things, like these:

Animal Hoarders

Animal hoarding, man.

If you're feeling down or overwhelmed by your life, or like you're  in a funk over something watch Animal Hoarders, and remember at least you don't live in a tiny ass mobile home, packed to the brim with dying, pissing, shitting, rotting animals. At least you don't walk on a carpet of cat shit. At least you have breathable air, anyway.

I mean even if you are a hoarder, stick to stuff. Don't collect living things, they go bad. You're not saving their lives, you're making them sicker. So hoard all you want, pack your house to the ceiling with stuff and more stuff, but no cats and no dogs and no lizards or pigs. Please.

I can't even watch that show sometimes, it's hella heart breaking. Kitty concentration camps-- a holocaust of house pets. They all live in their filth and their eyes are all pasty, sometimes swollen shut. It's just hard to look at-- they're not even cute at that point. It shatters your entire inner child to see. It's like you take the cutest most innocent thing in the world, and turn it into this:

 I can't believe it because these people say they love these poor animals so much, but they don't realize the animals are sick because they live there. In that case they'd all be better off in the wild. And the weirdest thing is some of these people don't even seem crazy, there's girls my age running shelters out of their houses and what not. They aren't bad people.

But they don't see the impact of what they're doing. Even if the animals were sick to begin with, these people don't have the means to treat them. Diseases spread easy so it's no wonder all these animals look like their nine lives are almost up. I mean what if the owner of the animals died. Then the animals would be trapped and unfed inside, and that would certainly not end well for anyone.

I've already had nightmares. Be warned if you watch it, this is no sitcom.

Bring a bucket.

This is Ratatouille status right here. It might be cute in the movie to have hundreds of rats with their little houses and boats and buildings, but in real life, guys, rats are rats. You can keep a couple of them in a cage, and let them out sometimes to hold and pet. I admit they're cute animals, but again, rats are rats. They eat trash and live in sewers, and are ultimately the garbage disposal of the earth, so let them do their thing, just not in your home.
Ratatouille was awesome though. If I had rats that could talk and cook for me I guess I'd hoard them too.

If you are hoarding animals, make sure you buy them somewhere safe and suitable to live, such as:

Ancient Aliens

I don't care what anyone says, Ancient Aliens is the shit. About half of what they say is total blatant nonsense, but the rest of it seems about right. In fact, bullshit included, I still find Ancient Aliens more believable than any religion. But I mean I'm not religious.

Anyway, you're told a bunch of stuff in Middle School, but no one tells you about the gaping holes in our history books, gaping holes most likely inhabited by aliens. You can laugh if you want but watch the show.
Like this thing. That's either a giant mechanical mushroom or it's an ancient UFO. What else could it be? It's got it all. The cute little circle sun in the corner like in all your kid's pictures. Cute little curly flames coming out the bottom. A guy? lying down? in the flames? Sucks for him. He's also huge if this picture's to scale, or else UFOs are smaller than I thought they were.

And come to think of it, maybe they are. A lot of these personal sized space ships creep up in a lot of old art around. But why would we be painting people in little capsules if that wasn't the case. I mean do people just think all this up on their own?
You're telling me everyone thought up God on their own too. Oh yeah, Heaven, and all the variations of it, in every belief system people keep coming down from the sky. What's up with that? Maybe there really are Gods somewhere up there? No. There aren't. There's just aliens and UFOs.

Look here's another one. This guys driving that shit. I mean there are wires, controls and pedals and pipes and all that. If that's not a diagram for a DIY space ship then I don't know what is. I mean maybe they sold these at the Mayan market, the Mayan equivalent of a modern day car. Who knows. They were clearly more advanced than we give them credit for.
And even if you don't accept ancient aliens, you have to admit there are too many mysteries for us to pretend we know what we're talking about.


This guys looks like he knows what he's talking about. Look at that hair. He's so smart his head creates static electricity. Make fun of him if you want but when it comes down to it, his forehead and hair are only that big to accommodate his ingeniousness. Like Albert Einstein. Am I right? I'd say he's at least a little Einstein-esque.

So like I said, It's not up to me if you believe it or not, but give it a shot. Until someone can give me an adequate explanation for Stone Henge and the pyramids and all that crazy shit, I'm gonna go with Ancient Aliens.

Skins

Try one watching Skins wasn't super successful. I accidentally background-watched it instead of actually paying attention, like I said I sometimes do in the HIMYM review (that is if you actually read this shit). All I know is every time I looked up someone, was naked and someone else was watching them, and someone was enjoying being watched too much. It seemed like a slightly unrealistic amount of nakedness but if you're too scared to watch porn you can watch this show instead. I think maybe I'll give it another try but not today.

Breaking Bad

Awesome show. Almost as hard to stop watching as it is to watch. This is one of those shows that despite being piss-your-pants exciting is almost too stressful to cope with, because damn. It's about a high school chemistry teacher, Walter a.k.a. Eisenburg (played by Hal from Malcom in the Middle!) who finds out he has lung cancer and is going to die leaving his family broke with a baby on the way. He is inspired to cook meth to secure his family financially when he accompanies his brother-in-law in the D.A. to a drug bust in which he runs into an old student Jessie Pinkston. The two of them begin doing business together and a whole bunch of bullshit started going down that I won't tell you cos you've really got to see it for yourself for the full impact.

Probably one of the most original ideas for a show I've seen in a while, but like I said, if you get caught up in your own crazy shit you might need to give the show a break and come back to it when you cool down because it will most likely do one of two things: It will either stress you out enormously on top of everything wrong with your own life, in which case, like I said, you should stop watching. OR it will be so stressful it will distract you from your so-called problems and remind you that at least you're not dying and cooking meth in New Mexico with the D.A. and numerous drug lords and your scary pregnant wife hunting you down.
So watch it or don't. Some people have a better tolerance than I do for insanity. But at least it accurately conveys the transition of a regular middle-class chemistry teacher into the roller coaster reality of dealing and doing meth. Walt is a man who doesn't belong in the drug business but finds his place there after losing himself in the real world. This show is about how it changes him. I'm not gonna lie, for a chemist he's quite the badass when he wants to be. I mean just look at him. Look at that hat. It's got badass drug daddy written all over it.

How I Met Your Mother

I watch way too much How I Met Your Mother.

I happened upon How I Met Your Mother earlier this year. My boyfriend found it on Netflix and we watched nothing but How I Met Your Mother for at least two weeks-- I mean that's gotta be a good ten episodes a day. At least.

And then, alas, the final episode. The TV became a black hole of nothingness and I didn't know what to do with myself. It was like Ted, Robin, Barney, Lily and Marshall were my friends, and they were all lost in a tragic accident that was the last available episode on Netflix. It didn't occur to me that the show would ever end, or that the episodes weren't infinite. That's the trouble with TV. It's way too real nowadays.

The first few days were pretty hard. I made it through, but only because I've secretly re-watched the entire show about five times in all. I just put it on whenever I'm by myself. Whenever I clean or do homework. Or blog. It's embarrassing how many times I've seen it but to be fair I'm one of those background TV watchers who tune in and out and isn't actually watching all the time. But it's the ultimate lazy day-off show.

In fact, for the lazy watcher it's the ideal show because it's so easy to watch. People are always saying how good or bad shows are but no one ever mentions how easy it is to watch. That's actually a pretty big factor in my opinion. Like with food, it's not all about the taste. It's also about the texture, how easy it goes down. It's serious and emotional when it needs to be but for the most part it's not too heavy of a show. No one stays too mature for too long. On a scale of light and easy to The Office, I'd rate this show light and easy, A+ on the watchability scale. And don't get me wrong-- I love The Office-- but damn is it hard to watch Michael Scott. Michael Scott? Is that right? Gotta be.

So if you're sick in bed with a bowl of soup, watch How I Met Your Mother. Or read my blog. One of those. Or both. You might become the pro background TV-watching, internet-surfing multi-tasker I know you can be. And if you are lonely because let's face it, you have no friends and no chance of having any intimate relations in the very near future, watch this show. It's got great characters. They'll be your friends. That's a little creepy but you know what I mean. But if you are watching TV to satisfy some secret need for a level of human connection that you're too anxious to achieve in real life, these are the virtual friends for you.

Tweed Noseby

Ted tells the story of how he met his wife to his kids, and that is the whole show. His kids aren't remotely interested in what he has to say which is stupid. If it were my dad I'd listen all day. In fact, the show inspired me to get my dad a journal for Father's Day to write a bunch of stories and memories for me to read to my kids one day. Good idea right? All thanks to Ted. He narrates the show by telling his kids about his search for the one, and all the ones that didn't work out along the way. I guess it's a little cheesy but who doesn't love cheese. Ted is also the douchebag of the group, who always give him shit about it. That's the other thing I love about the show. People don't give each other enough shit. Hopefully this show teaches friends not to keep their mouths shut when their friends are being idiots. Someone's got to put them in their place.

Robin Scherbatsky

And then there's Robin, who Ted falls in love with in the first episode and is way too cool for how hot she is, so maybe not a very realistic character, but I like to think this world contains pretty people like Robin who are a little more down to earth. The hot girl doesn't always just have to be some super slut. Well she's a little bit of a slut, but not in a blatant way-- she's more of a classy secret slut. Anyway, Robin is crazy and Canadian and a news reporter and was once a teen pop star who went by the stage name Robin Sparkles. She shoots guns and drinks scotch, and I just hope one day I'll be the shit like Robin.

Swarley Stinson

Daddy's home. If you're a boy, you'll like this show because of Barney. He's an asshole, but he's hard to hate, because as much as he lies and cheats and plays every bimbo in New York, he's always there for his friends. And bimbos are bimbos; that's what they get. I think perhaps the world needs more men like Barney. We've got way too many sexy sluts running around; someone's got to keep them in check. Until Barney Stinson bimbos were the top of the food chain in the US. So as offensive as he may be, he too is the shit. He's all suits and sex and catch phrases and elaborate pranks and schemes. He has a twisted sense of reality, but he's a bro.

Lily Pad & Marshmallow

And then there's Lily and Marshall. It's like on every show the relationships are on and off and that's the only way people stay interested, but apart from one bump Lily and Marshall are a constant couple and I like that. They complete the spectrum of relationships in the group. So there's sleep-around one-night-stand Barney Stinson and then there's never-had-sex-with-anyone-but-each-other Lily and Marshall, and they're just as awesome if not more. So couples are still cool people... Getting married can still mean something. I feel like the rest of television/the world forgets that.

Anyway Marshall's sort of a creep and a bit of a pussy but he's a man when he needs to be. Lily is a sweetie but a bitch when she wants. They are the ultimate couple, second only to myself and my boyfriend, and I think every serious relationship should aspire to be like them. Tell each other what you ate for lunch. Tell each other everything. There is lots to be learned from these two.

Anyway, I can't do any of these characters justice with words alone so here's a short video. If this doesn't make you watch How I Met Your Mother I don't know what will.

The Search is Over

I have humbly volunteered to find the good tv for you. I will thoroughly excavate my Netflix, as well as any surviving Blockbusters and even the movies. This blog will gauge which shows are watchable so you need not suffer through the muck of modern television.